Anatomy of a Shopping Trip (or the real reason for food storage)

Sometimes I am insane. I know that going to the grocery store with both boys takes years off my life, and I know that I will generally spend the whole trip hollering for Thomas to slow down and for Samuel to hurry up, but every once in awhile I get a little delusional and think some how that I am the boss. I'm the mother, right? I. Am. The. Boss!!

Well, today I attempted an ill-fated trip to the grocery store to get a week's worth of groceries. For the last few months (pretty much since Thomas decided he is far to old to ride in the cart if Samuel doesn't have to, and since Jay is working so many weekends and late nights.) we have done quick trips. We scurry in, grab our milk and eggs and generally tend to still stagger out, with both kids crying, having forgotten half of what I went for in the first place. Bek's friend Lisa wrote a very insightful article comparing having a toddler to negotiating with terrorists. That resonated with me so much that if I ever get to leave the house and work again, I am putting on my resume "Skilled at terrorist negotiations. Some experience at preparing meals during said negotiations." Just to break it down for you, here is how our trip went today.

Walk in the front door at WalMart. Being a "smart" mom, I withheld snacks all morning and attempted to distract my children with Happy Meals, hoping it would keep them busy enough to not run in separate directions. In addition to this, I picked up one of those carts that seats two children.

McDonalds:
-Thomas doesn't like his seat and wants Sam's. Sam screams.
-Sam wants the yellow transformer and they only have purple ones. Big, disappointed tears well from his eyes. Nice McDonald's worker dives to the bottom of the box and finds one. Thomas runs away while I am attempting to simultaneously getting Sam to show proper appreciation for the worker, while explaining that crying isn't the way to get what we want.
-I find Thomas under the far corner table laughing at me.
-I tuck my extra large Diet Coke (caffeine for fortification) carefully into the cart. I tuck the boys in almost as carefully. Moving on...

Produce Section:
-Thomas is already tired of the cart and has already dropped his drink twice. I have managed to pick up one bunch of broccoli, one bag of carrots and some grapes. I have pulled Thomas away from the tomatoes, stopped him from pitching the avocados and also from doing somersaults in the middle aisle. Tantrums all three times.

Meat Section:
-Both boys feel like they NEED to poke thier fingers into all the meat packages. Pull them each away by an arm. Samuel submits fairly meekly, Thomas screams. We attempt to cross over the the baking aisle, but the boys get distracted by the big center aisle coolers, and want to scale all the way around the outside edges. Samuel comes pretty well when I ask, but Thomas needs to have all ten fingers pried off (screaming). I decide at this point that Thomas needs to be restrained in the cart whether he screams or not. I find out (too late) that every one of the 3 restraints on the cart is broken. I try to negotiate and get him to understand that if he doesn't hold onto the cart and walk by me, then he has to get IN the cart. He has that uncanny intelligence most 2 year olds acquire and knows I can't back up this threat since the cart is half full and I already tried buckling him in to no avail. I pull out the chicken nuggets and lure him to the baking aisle.

Baking Aisle:
Halfway down the aisle Thomas is done with the nuggets, and only wants to climb on empty shelves in between the flour sacks. I open a package of raisins and speak in a high, super excited "you don't want to miss this" voice to get him to come have some. He takes two steps forwards, perceives he is being tricked and collapses to the floor. I say good-bye and pretend to leave. He isn't fooled. I end up tucking him, kicking and screaming, under one arm and pushing the cart with the other, completely forgetting the sugar I came into the aisle for in the first place.

Dairy Section:
-While standing in front of the cheese, Thomas points emphatically, and says he "want's THAT!!!"
Me: "What, the raisins?"
T: "NO!!!"
Me: "Show me.."
T: (still pointing emphatically, but very generally) "THAT!!...THAT!!"

This scenario ends with me picking him up so he can show me what he wants. Not surprisingly, he doesn't find "THAT!!" Lots of tears and crying ensues as I plop him in his seat and block his every attempt to escape with my knee. Keep moving. Try to ignore the dirty looks from other shoppers.

Garden Section:
- After traipsing across the length of the entire store, I am throwing patient reasoning out the window and am shamefully promising lollypops if Thomas will just stop his steam whistle shrieking. This works as it always does. I'm sure it's calculated, but I'm desperate. I open a package of Tootsie Pops (incidentally, people opening things before paying for them is one of my pet peeves and is something I always swore I would never do until I had a two year old). I know I have appx. 3.5 minutes before he is finished and I attempt top speed through to get what I need.
-Sam informs me that his finger is stuck between the side slats of the cart. I free Samuel and Thomas HAS to have his shoes off. I refuse.
-Thomas removes his shoes himself and immediately cries for me to put them back on. I refuse. He pitches them over the side. I stow them in my purse.

We make our way toward the checkout line and Sam dashes for the clothes so he can hide in the center of the racks. Thomas attempts to follow. I grab him and holler for Samuel who come once I make it VERY clear that we are not playing hide and seek in Wal Mart.

Thomas dashes off while I am paying for the groceries. I run after him and catch him at the other end by the hair salon. Well meaning WalMart worker remarks "he's fast, isn't he?!" Yes, he is.

During today's shopping I ended up getting a few items for our food storage and it occurred to me that our prophet is very smart. We may end up needing our food storage if an earthquake hits or Jay loses his job, but at this point (as long as we have toddlers) it is far more likely to get used because I don't dare go to the store with my kids in tow.

I was understandably grumpy when we got him and as I went to get Thomas from his car seat, he grinned at me and said "you cool, mom."

Glad you think so.